delta wrote:Short intro for this often silent observer
Like alc who posted here earlier, I too struggle with drug abuse. My life has always been "quiet" in my perception, ive never had many friends and always struggled to find the opportunity to make good connections. My communication skills seem to be lacking despite some of the assumptions people make about me because how they think I look or my generally pleasant demeanour. Either I have become adept at hiding my pain or its part of the "plan" for me. All I want is to be useful and to feel the affection of someone else. So I end up in the arms of what I am believing are darks because the girls I like always leave me sad and unhappy. I think what scares me most is the only way I can tel the difference is after the fact. Ive been looking to this people to help lift me up with constant failure. Even so, this is only a personal concern of mine on the back of everything else that plagues the mind from famine to flood, so many things I've found myself turned to a diet of unsatisfying mental obliteration and empty entertainment in an attempt at distraction over further self destruction. What stops me from the latter is my desire to beat this weakness we call the dark, and the pain it would cause my family.
So I've been existing as a static creature with dynamic expectations. Stupid, I know it is, but I don't know how to exist. I often dream of being without a body and would love to be free again.
I'm posting here today because I've hit one of the lowest points in years, and my frustration and anger just want to explode out from me and destroy. I cannot be a another mindless perpetrator.
I understand what Frank was trying to explain in his recent video, I feel I've always been at that level since learning these new truths when I first washed up here some years ago. This year will be my 25th, I need a purpose outside of myself, give me a task to help clean this world. I don't know how to beat this evil. I don't know if I can survive all this indefinitely. I need something to hold onto.
Hi delta (by the way, we are close in proximity
).
Please don't accept pain as part of the "plan for you". If I've learned anything from my time here, it's that pain is very dangerous, much more so than most people think. It's not healthy. "No pain, no gain" is just bullshit. You want to grow, sure, push your limits gently. But don't hurt yourself, don't overdo it. (I'm a total noob in that area, but that's just my "intuitions" about it so far). As for wanting to be useful and feel the affection of someone else - there's no need to worry about that stuff. You've got enough on your plate. You want to feel affection? Try and sense it coming from all the people who have responded to you here. You'll find it for sure. Don't worry about trying to "feel useful", I've been there, it's just another way to beat yourself up. Wait till you're feeling good and calm and peaceful, and decide what YOU want to do. Be useful to yourself. You need it the most right now. You're very worried about the pain you may cause your family, perhaps more so than the pain you have right now. It's not you, it's not useful. If you want to "be useful", challenge the pain. It doesn't belong. It doesn't have a useful place.
I'm sure you can come up with a purpose on your own, but at the moment, you sound extremely overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts, many of which is probably not even your own. Yes, you might be there and think that and feel that so many times, but this doesn't make it "your own". I have been there so many times, that I possibly understand what you're experiencing. I used to trust all my emotions 100%, because I felt that they were telling me something useful, that I had something valuable to learn from them. NOPE. Sure, emotions can be useful, and my work into emotional mechanics has helped me tremendously (eventually), but what I learned is that most emotions are PURE SHIT. They don't tell you anything useful, they don't help you, they just paralyse you. If you try and listen to them, you'll - literally - be stuck. This actually happened to me (PHYSICALLY), many times.
What is useful, is how you feel when your emotions are NOT overwhelming you (maybe). Anyway, what's also useful, very helpful, is to destroy/vanquish/disintegrate all those foolish foreign emotions, as best as you can, so you establish some kind of calm and peace inside, a base to work with. And from where, you can ask yourself simple questions, eg. "What do I want to do today?" And it can be something really simple, "I want to cook this meal, and empty the bin, and tidy up a little of the kitchen". Nothing hard. And if you do what you wanted, you'll feel great. Even if you didn't, you set yourself an objective and you worked towards it.
If you want to watch a movie, and eat some cookies, do that. But decide to do it. Start with the calm, ask yourself, what do you want to do, and answer it. I'm only sharing little things which have helped me recently. I often fall into the "rabbit hole of emotions" that you describe. And it's many things, can be called many names: The pit of despair, The hole of hopelessness, The hall of horrors. It's really nothing useful. It's SHIT. And yes, we fall into it many times, especially at the beginning of a new day, you're already in it. Whether its habit or influence, I don't know. It doesn't matter why you fall into it. The point is, you can GET OUT of it. Even if only for one minute.
By the way, it took maybe 20 minutes of focusing on "vanquishing those emotions" till I could get to a place to comfortably write this post. I have many struggles with it, but I also have many moments of being free from it. If I did it, from where I started, then you can do it too. I have had so many problems, maybe too many to fit into one post, mainly about expressing myself, sexuality, women, etc. And those problems have improved, slowly by slowly, year by year, layer by layer. Every time I experience a 1% or even 0.1% tangible improvement, I smile and jump for joy. This means something to me. Most of the other times, I don't say a word. I usually don't like to share my problems so freely.
The fact that you're so worried about "not being a mindless perpetrator" means that you aren't. That's the very opposite definition of being mindless. You are probably, TOO mind-full
. I say that because I have been there, and am often still there. The mind doesn't produce many useful thoughts when left to its own devices. You've got to answer the questions yourself, and not trust the useless answers you've been getting so often, for so long.
delta wrote:I haven't sought direct help because I thought it to be selfish when you consider the rest of the world, I posted because I am becoming desperate and feeling like I'm more broken the more I move forward.
Yes I am aware how unhealthy co-dependence is, I don't expect another person to simply make me happy, my goal isn't to build myself through someone else. The point was how do I know where to invest my energy if I am drawn to soul sucking idiots when I reach out to others? This leaves me feeling doomed to isolation or misery in the company of others.
I have been trying to make changes, and speaking broadly I have found myself in a worse state than when I started. I've tried to use the lotus chant many times and mentally I challenge all negativity but I don't feel like I'm making progress.
If this body is a prison, how is it also not? do you mean that it has potential outside of negative influence?
I do not feel connected to anything, just pain, loneliness and endless frustration. I will order a crystal. Thank you for your words.
The fact that you are MOVING, is progress. Maybe you learnt something that doesn't work, maybe you saw something in a new light, maybe you realised something new, saw something from a new perspective. That's progress / evolution / growth. Your thoughts sound extremely similar to the bullshit thoughts that I have had for so long. But they simply aren't true. A couple of months ago, I felt useless, helpless, felt that I would never share companionship with another person, all this other false nonsense. It simply wasn't true. Don't believe it.
But please, don't rush it. Be easy on yourself, the "road to happiness" doesn't need to be taken in a single day. Be easy, take it a step at a time, do something only when you feel fully comfortable and ready to do it. And yet, there are times when you are fully ready and comfortable to try something, but maybe you haven't figured every detail out yet. Maybe your "autopilot mind" hasn't given you the clearance. But your "decision mind" wants to try it. So try it!
And, the hardest part, be gentle on yourself if you try something and it doesn't work out in exactly the way you wanted it to. Be aware, that pushing your boundaries, even if gently, can trigger some insane shit, perhaps the next day when you wake up (I had that - not fun). But it's still shit. Don't trust that either.
In summary, don't trust the shit! Challenge it whenever you have had enough of it, wait for the peace, when you get there, use your mind and ask yourself some simple, easy questions. Don't trust the shit!
"You don't feel like you're making progress" - this is probably because you're trusting that pile of nonsense called "your emotions". And probably i'm vastly oversimplifying things, but through my many, many experiences with emotions, I have found that often, they are NOT USEFUL AT ALL. Clear away those emotions, if you can. Walk in there, tell them to leave, and don't move until they leave. When they do (you might feel them dissolve bit by bit), then you have a clear thinking-ground. Ask yourself, "Have I made any progress?" And from there, you'll be able to get some clearer answers. Don't ask the question too early, or you'll get a lot of uninvited answers maybe.
I would also suggest to try the "Energy Download Video". I have had very positive results from using it. (Also try the dropbox crystal if you haven't already)
LeeDee wrote:Right, delta ... I will not write anything smart as I'm not really good at consolation nor at mood uplifting ... I'm more on a butt kicking side ... but only if I'm on the active side of butt kicking
... But I will not do it with you as I sensed the type of fragility that can't "handle" much kicking (you'll get enough from others) - I'm even worse, I'm so sensitive that even a bad and mean look could hurt me ... actually at the moment only one or two person in the world I know I would even allow to gently kick my ass ...
I just want to say here, LeeDee, I really love reading your posts. Even though I've never replied to any of them, I read them and I love them. They have this beautiful softness, sure, they kick butt sometimes, but they're also .. gentle. Unassuming, gentle stream of a river. Something like that. I am often told that my analogies are terrible
, but I want to also address a few of your points.
LeeDee wrote:You know ... none of us is completely and utterly and totally and of utmost satisfied with "our life" ... me, I already introduced myself with minus zero satisfaction and remembering posts from many others
... at least you move forward ... I myself feel stuck ... no, not really true ... I feel I moved backwards ... not only I notice zero progression regarding "my development" ... when reading achievements of others ... I at first moment get grapped by some sort of surrendor/despair ... as ... why them yes ... and why me not ... but ... no, I do not allow myself to stay in that state of mind/feeling ... as ... their progression is their progression ... it doesn't do me bad in any way ... also ... is all that they wrote and perceive regarding themselves really "true", objectively true?
No, of course not. We all have our problems. As I stated earlier, I have had more problems than could fit into a single post. But I have gotten to this point where every improvement, is like gold for me. I don't like to burden others with my problems. If needed, if I feel really helpless, I might reach out occasionally. And I don't mean that it's bad to reach out. I just don't like to spread to others the helplessness. But delta, no worries. I understand.
So LeeDee, I often continue to have much struggles and problems, but I only publicly share (and even then, I hardly do it because posting here is still very difficult for me, getting easier, yes, definitely, but still, difficult. This post has taken 20-30 minutes so far in emotional work to write.. not counting the actual writing, which isn't hard once the emotions are in order (temporarily)) some of the good moments, the improvements. I like to share that feeling of, I had this terrible trouble, and it's gotten better for me, I was in "the depths of it", in an absolutely shitty place, and it's much better for me. So there's hope for anyone else.
I have only big hugs for you LeeDee
LeeDee wrote: ... for them yes, maybe ... for me obviously not ... and most important ... I never really felt I needed any huge evolvement
... its' all there, I feel it (just not sure where it got lost
) ...
That's beautiful. I hope some more clarity reaches you soon
It has taken me many, many times to learn certain things too.. I just kept getting a "butt-kicking" until I did (and no, it wasn't fun and I don't recommend it !
)
LeeDee wrote: Truism but still ... chin up
(I'm holding mine with all gadgets available
) ...
Ribo wrote:delta wrote:
I do not feel connected to anything, just pain, loneliness and endless frustration.
Try to find out how to remove pain, loneliness and frustration?
You could find out whats causing these 3 things.
I think you need to find out the root whats causing these 3 things or whatever it is.
Atleast to me this sounds obvious.
Ribo, you have the gift of simplicity and clarity here, but I think in delta's overwhelmed state, things are not so clear or so obvious
One last thing, delta, you are NOT the avatar! I know, I always forget it too.
If anything I said doesn't apply to you or doesn't help, disregard it. All the best.